an ever present help in trouble

Yesterday things did not go as planned. We got to clinic and did all the normal things. Ansley was weighed, measured, had her vital signs checked, port accessed, and an EKG was done. And then, her labs came back. The "important" number with chemo patients is the ANC. It has to be at least 500 to be able to move forward with chemo. Her ANC was 410. So, we packed up and headed home.

This was the first time we were not able to stay on schedule with the chemo treatments. I am realizing the "firsts" are always so hard. The first time I saw her hair falling out, the first time she cried because she wanted to go back to school and see Ms. Laura, Ms. Sherri and Ms. Amy, the first time she panicked with accessing her port all have been so miserable. And then, it sinks in and I realize that this is just the way things are going to be for a while. Hard, yes, but not impossible. Would I choose it? No way. But, we are in it and we have to press on.

Today has been one of the brightest days for me in a while. I have struggled the last few weeks with trusting God in the midst of so many unknowns. Today, I had a thought. God is not scared of me or my questions. He is not surprised by my sad heart. He is not disappointed with me that I find it hard to see my baby girl hurt. What He wants from me is to draw near to Him. He wants to love our family while going through this season of life. God is an ever-present help in trouble. I have to allow Him some space in my heart and mind. I need to not shake my fist but ask Him to hold us. I need to trust that He is also sad to see Ansley hurting. He is for us, not against us.

So, when things don't go as planned, which will be our story for a while, I am left with a choice. Will I believe that God is for our family? Will I believe that God is for Ansley? I want to say I will always choose to trust that but I won't. I will have moments of weakness where I fail to trust. I already have. But, when the fog is lifted, I know He is near. Pray that Tuesday her counts will be high enough for next chemo treatment.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear......"