don't lose sight of what is important

I have started this blog entry probably 50 times in my head. Why is this the hardest I've written? Well, I think it is hard because my feelings are so mixed.

Ansley had chemo on Thursday of last week. LOOKING AT THE BIG PICTURE, things went well. Her lab results were good, she was able to get the chemo, and it is one more treatment marked off the chart. So, you might be wondering why it was such a mix of emotions? Well, it was the second time we had to actually hold her down and restrain her while they were accessing her port. It took 4 of us to hold her while the nurse accessed it. I don't know if I have ever felt that kind of frustration before. Here you have a precious child who is already scared and a little confused having to be held down by the people who say they love her more than anyone in this world. And while we are holding her down she is screaming and crying and saying, "Why do I have to have cancer?" Honestly, I was done. I wanted to fall on the floor and just weep. You know how it is, you know what's best for your kids but sometimes it just hurts. I know Ansley has to have her port accessed. I know what is best for her. But, man, I have NEVER known this kind of hurt. And, although chemo won't be every single week for the year, she will have to have her port accessed every week for a year for labs.

I guess the reason this was so hard to write is because part of me is rejoicing that we are marking off treatments. The other part of me is so sad for my little girl that she has to have who knows how many more treatments. And, that means being fearful every week for the next year about having her port accessed. Sometimes, I just can't make sense of it all if I am honest. It's just plain hard.

Please, please pray that she would not be in fear of her port. Please pray that this Friday she does not have to be held down.

This Friday is a big day. She will have her first set of scans since the initial diagnosis in December. It will be a long day of waiting so pray for all of our family.

I went to Lamentations today because if I am honest, i feel like we are mourning a loss. Not the loss of a nation like Jerusalem, but the loss of what life was like one month ago and what our next year will look like.
Funny though, instead of it feeding my sadness and fear and anger, I was encouraged. In chapter 3, the loss that is felt helps turn their hope to God. They see their need for His steadfast love.

"The steadfast love of the Lord NEVER CEASES, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion," says my soul, therefore I will hope in Him."
"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him."



So the BIG PICTURE answer is what I am finding I have to think about. I can't let the SMALL PICTURE issues bring me down. I can't lose sight of what we need to do for Ansley to get this cancer out of her body. If I am only thinking about accessing the port, I am defeated. But, if I remember that this is for the good of her health and life, then it is all worth it. Pray that we can fight hard for the next year. Thanks warriors.

Weary but continuing,
Amy