I stared at the computer screen for a few minutes trying to come up with a title for this entry. I feel so torn inside that all i could think of was, "Jumbled." You would think that this close to being done with chemotherapy would feel magnificent. And, in some ways it does. I would've thought I would feel relief. But, quite frankly, it's not what I am feeling today. Our sweet Ansley came up to me today with huge tears in her eyes, "Mommy, I just want to be killed so I don't have to deal with this cancer any longer." Ugh.....what in the world do you say to that? Today was day 5 of oral chemo. She is swollen, sore, nauseated, red-faced, irritated, hungry but not hungry, sad and just plain over it all. All I knew to do was to hug her and tell her how much I loved her. It broke my heart when she said she was ready to see Harper in Heaven. This whole journey is hard. I am having a day filled with fear, anger and sadness for Ansley.
She is asleep now next to her brother, Garrett. Her emotions are much more under control and she hasn't mentioned death since this afternoon. Would you please pray for our family? I am weak right now and I need God to strengthen me. Please pray that Ansley does not stop fighting! We might be done with chemo this month, but we have years of scans and labs. This is a life journey not just a year journey.
My precious mom sent this to me and it has ministered to my soul today.
Christ will lead you into many situations that will seem impossible, but don't try to avoid them. Stay in the middle of them, for that is where you will experience God. The key difference between what appears to be impossible to us and what is actually possible is a word from our Master. Faith accepts his divine command and steps out in a direction that only God can complete. If you attempt only things that you know are possible with the visible resources you possess, those around you will not see God at work. You will be the one who receives the credit for a job well done,but God will have know part in it. Take inventory of your life and the decisions you are presently facing. Have you received a word from the Master that awaits your next step of faith? If you will proceed with what He has told you, no matter how incredible it might seem,,you will experience the joy of seeing your Lord perform a miracle, and so will those around you.
I feel like tomorrow is our family's next step of faith. I need Jesus for tomorrow!
Thanks for your faithfulness and letting me empty my heart to you. It is a helpless feeling to watch your baby girl suffer. I want to be faithful through every step. But, I can only do that with the Lord's strength. My tank is on empty....but His is always full!
