A Wonderful Breather

Our family just returned from visiting my parents in Florida. It was a great break from reality! Ansley will be delayed this week in having chemo because Matt and I are going on a "staycation" to celebrate 14 years of marriage. This will be a very different year but I hope that we can enjoy the time together and focus on each other. Ansley will have chemo on Monday the 8th so that I can be here to give her meds the rest of the week.

We are looking at 6 more treatments before scans begin in December. I have felt fearful lately....more than I have ever known. I am afraid of what the scans will show. I am fearful of the day I hear the doctors say, "We found more". Other than searching out the Word of God, I haven't known what to do with this fear. I have found comfort in the following verse.

"He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

I can't say that I am free from fear but I don't feel alone in dealing with my fear.

Our kids start back to school on August 16th. I am dealing with the thought of this year looking so different than expected. The three oldest will be going off to school while Ansley and Garrett stay with me. I look forward to the time with them but it's hard to swallow all that has happened in the last 7 months of our lives. There is so much to be learned in this process of having a precious child with a deadly disease. Often, it's just plain overwhelming. But, as with other journeys, we are not left alone. We have a hope that is greater and His name is Jesus.

A Birthday to Remember

It has been a few days since chemo. Actually, it has been 5 days since chemo and 3 days since celebrating a very special 5th birthday for our sweet Ansley. What a roller coaster of a week! The chemo day went well. Her counts were great and her port access went well. The de-accessing didn't go very well. She shed a lot of tears and had a lot of pain with it. Oh, how helpless I feel to hear our baby girl cry while having something like that done to her. The last few days have been hard. We now know to expect these days to be hard. The days following chemo are never easy... Nausea, itching, achy, mouth sores, hunger, fatigue just to name a few of the issues she deals with daily right now.

It was a sweet day on Friday as we celebrated the blessing of 5 sweet years with our baby girl. There has never been a birthday that I have had a wave of emotions like this one. It was a day to remember. I pray we will have many, many more birthdays to celebrate with our daughter.

We will leave for a vacation this Friday to be with family in Florida. It is the first time we will have left Charleston since her diagnosis in December except for the Make-A-Wish trip in April. Please pray she stays healthy. I am fearful of taking her away from a place that knows her so well. But, our family is in need of a break. This season is beginning to take a toll on all of us. It is definitely a marathon. We need a break from the daily struggles that a family undergoes when life changes so drastically from a sick child.

I am so proud of how our kids have handled this stress in life. They are really troopers and have become selfless, patient and sensitive people along this journey. Pray that our time in Florida will be sweet. We could use a break and I am excited to enjoy time together. Pray that our precious Ansley is healed of cancer and that it never again is in her body.

A Very Big Week

Ansley has a very big week planned for 2 reasons. The first is chemo on Wednesday. Please pray that she handles it well and doesn't get really sick from it. The second is that she is celebrating her 5th birthday this week. Oh, what a joyous celebration this will be! Her life deserves celebrating in a big, big way this year! And, so, please pray for me and Matt that we can be joy-filled and happy and not emotional during this very special week. She is so excited and has many fun things planned. It is hard as her mommy to know that this birthday will take on new meaning because of her diagnosis in December. I will remember to cherish this celebration and to take it a day at a time. We are given a huge gift this year in being able to sing Happy Birthday to her once again! May we live remembering that today is a gift.

Beautiful

Tonight was one of those beautiful nights. We had a fun 4th of July and the kids got to bed quite late. As I was putting Ansley to bed, I decided to lay down with her and hold her hand. Very rarely do I do this but tonight it just felt like the thing to do. And so, I laid down with her and in about 30 seconds she was out! She had a long, fun day and was exhausted. But, then, I just couldn't leave the room. I stayed and watched her sleep. It really was amazing. Here is a little girl fighting the horrible enemy of cancer non-stop for the last 7 months and yet sleeps so soundly. She sleeps so peacefully. It's like she was saying to me as she slept, "Mommy, it's okay. God is greater and bigger and more powerful than cancer. I can trust Him and I will sleep peacefully tonight because of that truth." It has been a while since I have watched her sleep. Yes, as an infant I did it a lot but life just gets too busy and I put important things on hold. It was a good reminder tonight of the beauty of trusting, resting and waiting all from watching a 4 year old sleep. Please don't forget to take time to find those beautiful moments.

Chemo and Today

Ansley has handled the chemo from a week ago better than the last couple of rounds. What this means is that there hasn't been as much vomiting, nausea and fatigue. It has been a smoother week than normal chemo weeks and for that we are grateful. I am enjoying my time with the kids tremendously this summer. Why does it take a tragedy to wake me up to the thousands of gifts right in front of my eyes everyday? The most mundane tasks have taken on new meaning. How thankful I am to have so many loads of laundry to do because this means I have 5 kiddos that are able to play and get messy and have energy to be kids! Thank goodness I have a full sink of dishes after breakfast and lunch with my 5 precious babies.
Thankfulness is in my heart today. Pray that I would remember how faithful God has been to our family through this journey. Ansley is more than halfway done with her expected chemo protocol and we look forward to the day when we can ring the bell in the clinic to signify victory over cancer!

Five great reasons to have a thankful heart today!

Chemo went great yesterday. labs were good and our sweet Morgan joined us for the day. Next chemo not until July 13th (2 days before Ansley's 5th birthday).

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Does this ever get normal?

It has been a while since I have written. We have had lots of good days lately. I would say they seem somewhat normal....I just don't really like this new normal if I am honest. There are so many days where I say to myself and God, "Can I please have our old life back? Can I please for one hour not think about what is going on inside our little girl's body?" And, of course, the answer is no. Right now, this is our life. And it has to be dealt with. And, so, we will do tomorrow when tomorrow gets here.
Today was a wonderful day. We celebrated the marriage of two very special friends and Ansley was a flower girl. A lot of "what-ifs" went through my mind as I watched our baby girl walk down the aisle.
She looked beautiful. She looked happy. She had so much fun doing it. As her mommy, though, tough questions run through my mind as to what the future will look like.

Please pray for our family this week. Chemo is on Wednesday and so we are coming up on a week of Ansley not feeling well. The chemo seems to be hitting her body harder and making her more nauseated. Please pray for patience and energy for me as I take care of her. Pray that the sickness is not as bad as it was last treatment.

A Day of Mixed Emotions

In many ways, today was a dream for the mamma of a daughter with cancer. Ansley handled her port access like a champ, her counts were really good, platelet counts in the normal range, and she doesn't have to go back to clinic for 2 weeks!! So, what's the other emotion I'm feeling?? Well, as we got great news today, there are many families in clinic that did not get encouraging news. There were lots of new faces today at clinic which means this horrible disease has pressed it's way into another child's body and an entire family's life. We have seen 3 recurrences lately in kids we have gotten to know during the last 6 months. These families have been fighting much longer than we and they are starting again with chemo, radiation and procedures.

You never think this is what life is going to look like. At least it's not what I ever envisioned. And, I am sure it's not what other people have envisioned life would be like for their children. But, I am learning to accept and thank God for this trial. Not that I am thankful for cancer, but I am thankful for how God is carrying us and loving us through this time.

When you look at your kids, or spouse, or friends, make sure your heart remembers to be thankful. Sometimes we have to fight for thankfulness. We have to choose it. I have to choose it 50 million times a day right now. And, I don't get it right very much. But, I know that Ansley's cancer has made me and Matt realize what really matters in life. Every time I can rub my sweet baby girl's soft, blond hair, I am thankful. Every time I see our five precious kids playing together, I am thankful. Every time I can sit and talk and dream with my husband of 14 years, I am thankful.

But, also remember these special families that are fighting cancer once again. Remember the families that drive 2 -3 hours each way to make it to clinic once a week. And, remember the sweet people that have lost their jobs in order to care for their children who are fighting hard against cancer. This is reality for a lot of people. Doesn't it put into perspective the things in life we complain about? It sure convicts me.

So, please join our family in rejoicing and remembering.

almost done!

We don't have to come in to clinic until the next round of chemo!!!

2 weeks off!!!

praise!

Counts look great! once again, her ANC is high and platelet counts are in the normal range!!!! Huge blessings!!! Tears of joy and thankfulness streaming down this mamma's face!!!

after our break

On our way to chemo.


What a nice break we had last week!


Pray that her counts are high and port access goes well.

Little victories are oh so BIG!!!!

The last few days have been a blur. Actually, let me change that. The last 5 months have been a blur! But, just when you think you can't handle anymore, God gives a breather. This nice breather has come in a few different ways. First, Ansley's vomiting and overall yucky-ness is better today than it has been in 4 days!! She is having a big treat tonight and sleeping in her brothers' room! She hasn't felt like doing much of anything since Saturday. But, today she feels a lot more energetic. Zofran is an amazing drug! Our family was also blessed by the Dickert family. These sweet people brought gifts galore to lavish on our family for an entire month!! It has been so fun to watch Ansley get excited about asking, "I wonder what today's gift is, Momma?" She has already gotten fun stuff that we took to clinic today. Thanks isn't enough to all you sweet Dickert's!!
And, finally, clinic was great today. Ansley's labs were remarkable!!!! In fact, her counts were so good, for the first time since diagnosis, we get a week off of clinic! That means no clinic next week !! We will go the following Wed. for chemo but we have next week off! The little victories are so very big!!
Blessings to all the precious people praying. I am a tired but thankful momma tonight! Continue to plead for healing for our baby girl. We are 5 months down, 7 to go. Psalm 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

treats

Headed down to clinic with lots of fun treats thanks to the amazing Dickert Family!!!

watch out...ansley is driving!

today's counts

Counts look great!!!!!!!!

Chemo has been ordered!!!!!!!

hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!

clinic day

Back at clinic - pray the port access goes well!

Great news!

Ansley is out of surgery and everything went well. Will let you know when we are headed home. Thnx for praying!

Yahoo!!!!!

Today was a great clinic day. We got there at 9:45 and were gone by 11:30! Labs looked great. Her ANC (which is a very important number when you have cancer) was up from 480 2 weeks ago to 2,080 today! This makes surgery a go for Friday. Ansley was energetic all day long. We attempted to eat out tonight with some friends from MUSC. About 20 minutes after arriving, Ansley came up and said, "Mommy, I itch all over and my mouth really hurts. Can we please go home?" Both of those complaints are normal responses to chemo. And so, we got our food to go and headed home. So, so small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. We are thankful that the only rough spots today were itchiness and a sore mouth.

Friday morning will be an early one and our plan is to have a very low key weekend as Ansley recovers from her surgery. Thanks for continuing to ask Our Savior for perfect healing of our little girl. Rejoice with us today! Tomorrow will worry about itself...

Oh what a week!!

We are slowly getting back into the groove of early mornings, homework, laundry, work, cooking and clinic. Words can't really describe what an awesome week we had in Orlando! It was packed full of activities and we give God all the glory for allowing Ansley to feel so energetic. We met some really amazing families at Give Kids the World and I am humbled to see families fighting right along their children suffering with diseases very similar to Ansley's. Give Kids the World is a beautiful place full of hope, joy and fun. We are thankful to everyone who helped raise money through Make a Wish to get us there.

On another note, clinic is tomorrow followed by surgery on Friday to have her 2nd port placed. Please pray that the surgery is uncomplicated and that her body is able to handle another port. We have wonderful doctors and nurses at MUSC and we know God has provided all we need. A momma's heart, though, is a bit fragile at times like this so you can pray for me, too. No matter how many times she goes in for surgery, it never gets easy. This is just not how it's supposed to be. But, for now, this is what life looks like and so we press on.

I wanted to share a sweet, encouraging story with you. Ansley about 2 months ago prayed that God would bring her hair back. And, I was sad to think this request would not be answered any time soon. In the last month, Ansley's hair has begun to grow. She has hair on her head!!! Now, it's not much, but it's hair! Yesterday, Ansley and I were praying and she said, "God, thank you for answering my prayer and giving me hair again." She is seeing God and His faithfulness in the midst of her cancer. I think this taught both myself and Ansley that nothing is too big for God. No, she doesn't have long hair or even much hair, but her prayer is being answered and we are thankful.